globalcitizen

China’s first official ‘International Pillow Fight Day’ was held on April 2nd, 2011. Synchronising with over 130 cities around the world via pillowfightday.com, several hundred people turned up to Statue Square in Central to beat each other silly with pillows (often in fancy dress).

Media compilation:

Media video coverage:

• Reuters/ITN (UK) (and ¡En Español!). Similar Reuters footage from NTDTV (US).
• ABC News (US).
• Oriental Daily (HK).
• Cable TV (HK).

Press coverage:

• South China Morning Post.
• Ming Pao.
• Apple Daily.
• Commercial Daily.
• Young SCMP.

Whilst most 11-year-olds were out discovering girls, a certain Black Country-accented – and rather camp – Mr Tom was busy nurturing the Grundy media empire.

In addition to the weekly family newspaper and radio show, I founded ‘TGTV’ where I’d hand over to myself, and back to myself, within my bedroom ‘studio’ – all with Yamaha keyboard accompaniment. CNN, it ain’t! (Though our levels of journalistic integrity are probably comparable). Highlights include: An epic magic show (including incredible Uri Gellar-style spoon bending), news & local weather, early evidence of self-righteous hippy conscience and Santa NOT caught on film.

View on YouTube here (There is an interactive, clickable timeline in the info section.)

After digitizing and restoring many hours of VHS footage, I put together a few other compilations, including a medley of numbers from my primary school band. We toured other schools in the West Midlands performing unique renditions of Barbra Streisand hits, ‘The Theme from Lovejoy’, Bryan Adams’s ‘Everything I Do’ etc…

I recall feeling particularly rock-n-roll, as – although I was offered ‘lead keyboard’, I rejected it in favour of remaining on ‘bass keyboard’. Be sure to look out for bonus footage of yours truly playing ‘Boy With Limp‘, in our splendid production of The Pied Piper. Oscar-worthy.

The spring, the unnecessarily verbose ‘16th Parent’s-Also-Appreciate-Teachers Drive’ took place.  (One does have to wonder about the use of the word ‘drive’, which suggests that reluctant parents require some degree of coaxing and persuasion to display gratitude towards their children’s long-suffering educators)

[N.B. The controversial element on the front of the postcard is not the fact that the teacher is clearly a freakin' owl, but rather that he is accepting a gift over the value of HK$50 from a student, an act which is highly illegal in Hong Kong as per strict civil servant contractual anti-corruption guidelines.]

Despite my apparent popularity in the school (which I measure simply by the number of times a child holler ‘MMISSSTTAAH THHOOM‘ in my general direction), I usually receive surprisingly few cards. Indeed, like on Valentine’s Day, the postman delivers only a world of disappointment and rejection – with just a handful of students brave enough to pen their cards in English. Below are this year’s prime specimens…

Fig 1. – “Thank you for teach me English”, says Cherrie. The bitter irony...

The Heritage office has been offering students free postcards to anywhere in the world, so I asked the kids if they’d like to write to Mr Tom’s mother.

Here are some of the responses submitted by my 8-year-olds

Fig.1 – Note how Zoe has posed the eternal question of where exactly one gets one’s gracious good looks…

…Yes indeed, why is he so clever and beautiful?!

Fig.2 – Proof that media-scaremongering can infect the mind of a small Chinese child, Vincent was worried that Britain had been overrun with chicken flu…

Fig 3. Kylie ventured into the random and surreal whilst getting something off her chest – her penchant cows…

Fig. 4. An anonymous writer expressed their concern that their English teacher was unloved in this short-yet-slightly-creepy postcard…

Fig 5. Finally, this eloquent and lovely A+ example from school-wide celebrity, Rosemary Lok Sen (who has her own website! )

And here is the video response from my family…

I penned the following letter to Hong Kong’s Ocean Park shortly after a visit this summer…

Dear Mr Zeman,

On the morning of Saturday March 14th I bestowed my presence upon your fine aquatically themed leisure park and was surprised to discover that you apparently enforce a strict dress code. Indeed, had I have known that your establishment required a certain impractical distinction to its guest’s attire whilst wolfing down candy floss, fraternising with sea mammals and tackling the ‘Abyss Turbo Drop’; I may have reconsidered donning a bright yellow chicken costume. However, one failed to recognise any such clothing directive in your small print.

Whilst admiring your charming flurry of flamingos near the entrance, I was accosted by a staffer who offered me tickets to return at another time, sans rooster outfit. Upon challenging this audacious offer, I was informed that certain fellow visitors could potentially mistake me for an employee. I delicately reassured the over-zealous worker that should an unlikely misinterpretation occur, I would graciously elucidate that my appearance as a giant six-foot-white-boy-chicken was solely for my own exclusive enjoyment, and that any enjoyment experienced by third-parties was purely coincidental.

I recall 18-months ago asking a colleague if the children will ever tire of barking my name as I walk around the school. “No, never” was the response – and indeed, dozens of excitable Hong Kong kiddywinks continue to holler ‘MISTA THOOOM’ in my general direction, only to giggle and run away when I enquire as to what they may require of me. ‘Say What You See’ is certainly the order of the day. Every day.

Occasionally, however, an open-ended question will follow and, more often than not, the main concerns are one’s comparatively absurd height or hair colour, or the reasoning behind my surprise appearances in the local press.

I therefore felt it prudent to collate some of these queries and respond to them forthwith!

Mr Tom, why your hair is golden?
Child, the unusual pigmentation of one’s cranial hair follicles is due to the modest concentration of melanin present and a variation in the melanocortin-1 receptor (Mc1r gene), which is located on chromosome 4. It features an autosomal recessive mode of inheritance and is characterised by low eumelanin levels. Additionally, phenotypic expression for lighter skin and red hair are interrelated. Thus, in conclusion, Mr Tom’s hair is magic.

“I hereby make it my personal mission in life to perform a “brucey thinker pose” (in honour of light entertainment legend Bruce Forsyth) in as many countries around the world as possible!”

Bruce is an old British entertainer and presenter, he is famed for striking his trademark pose when he comes on stage. See his Wikipedia entry.

– Vietnam - One Pillar Pagoda & Ho Chi Minh Museum

– USA - Statue of Liberty & Times Square

– Thailand - Khao San Road & Grand Palace

– Spain - Catalunya Square & Sagrada Familia

– Singapore - Esplanade & Raffles Hotel

– Russia - The Hermitage & St. Basil’s Cathedral

– Philippines - Old Town & Rizal’s Walk

– Myanmar - Shwedagon Pagoda & Mandalay Hill

– Morocco - Black Desert & the Atlas Mountains

– Mongolia - Gandantegchinlen Khiid & a ‘ger’ tent

– Malaysia - Petronas Towers by night and day

– England - Buckingham Palace & Big Ben

– Laos - Pha That Luang & Patuxay

– Japan - Meiji Shrine & Shibuya Scramble Crossing

– Indonesia - Borobudur & Kuta Beach, Bali

Some readers may be familiar the popular nursery rhyme, ‘How Much is that Doggy in the Window’, an important commentary on the economics of the pet trade. In the second stanza, the protagonist insists that canine companionship is superior to all other domesticated animals as she, quote, “can’t take a fish for a walk”.

The following exchange then ensued in my P2 class:

Mr Tom: “So children, why can’t you take a fish for a walk?”
Brian: “It will go to die because it needs water.”
Mr Tom: “Correct, it would die as it needs water.”
Purple: “Mr Tom, you CAN take a fish for a walk.”
Mr Tom: “No, you can’t.”
Purple: “Yes you can, I will show you.”

Yes, her name really is Purple, and here is what she presented me with next day…

Below is a random collection of recent oddities from my students in Hong Kong…

Exhibit A
Exhibit A: Check out the photo of what little Charles here came up with. Asked where he’d like to live in the world, the little charmer/teacher’s pet decided on ‘Tom’s Heart’ – and who wouldn’t want to set up camp in such a warm, hospitable and splendid location? Prompted to justify his laudable choice, he poetically writes that “it is beautiful, it is quiet”… Indeed, I like to think my heart if far from ugly and loud, however in the next section, the little sod lists what possessions he’d like to take along with him… “A gun (AK47), Wesley and rubbish.” Note how the child went to the trouble of listing the exact specification of armament required, and not only chose to bring along his mate Wesley but also a load of trash to throw around the place. Now I’ll be damned if I’m gonna allow a 7-year-old Chinese kid to barge into my coronary regions and start going nuts with a firearm and his best buddy whilst lobbing litter about…

I experienced one of those gut-wrenchingly cringe worthy moments tonight. The kind which torment you for years to come, just as you’re trying to get to sleep… Out and about on Temple Street with some visiting friends I bumped into Tim, the noodle restaurant owner next to our flat – a lovely chap. I happily bounced up to him and introduced my French friend, complimented his entrepreneurial wizardry and told his wife how wonderful his cooking was. “This is Tim, he’s a legend, you’ll have to go and visit him” etc..etc… I trotted off, ignoring the fact that he did seem quite perplexed by the chance encounter. A full 5 hours later, I realised why. It wasn’t the noodle guy, his name wasn’t even Tim – it was fucking Steve, our laundry dude – who I’m on equally good terms with. We’ve chatted every weekend for over a year, I know both of their names and see them several times a week…

It would’ve been less worse if I’d gone up to a random – at least that would’ve produced a hilarious anecdote on both sides – this just resulted in me reinforcing the somewhat racist notion that the Chinese ‘all look the same’ to foreigners.