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my mate phil
"I dreamt I broke into your flat and you'd drawn loads of pictures of me" - Phil

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Retro throwback Phil "The Pimp" McFly is not only an avid bagpipe enthusiast, but also holds the record as the world's tallest midget.

Founder of 'Aldi' and directly descended from a panda bear named Shirley, Phil spent much of his childhood shovelling elephant shit for the circus across the street. Battling to survive in the slums of Felixstowe, he was taken in by gay Eskimos and raised as a token straight guy.

In between consuming great quantities of kippers and inventing breadcrumbs and the internet, Phil spent most of his teenage years obsessing over a theory that the Teletubbies were actually the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Phil once had a bad experience with a pig liver and a screwdriver and once forgot to eat for three days. Synchronised with the lunar year, Phil's glossy white hair goes through short phases of semi-transparency and reflectiveness. He remains the only purely white-haired person I know under 40.

Contrary to popular belief, Phil cannot actually fly, but can merely jump great distances, ranging from 1 to 2 miles. Phil has also been mistakenly associated with the invention of the "I before E" rule.

After residing in a private fortress in Hong Kong's equivalent of Milton Keynes for a year ('Yuen Long'), he has refused to speak to Tom for over 6 months following a dispute about curtains.

audio

• Phil highlights from our radio show, 'Otter Parade'
• Phil performs 'Just Because I'm Gay'
• Phil presents the 'monk in a hole' project

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