N.B. For international readers, Horlicks is the insomniacs choice of beverage here in the UK.
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Thank you for your letter detailing my unspeakable and heinous crime of drifting into a bus lane for literally 20 meters in order to turn left, whilst lost and panicked as a new driver in London.
One can only conclude that either your office water dispenser serves infinite industrial-sized helpings of Horlicks to help the staff sleep at night, or that all are quite content with being accessories to this somewhat sinister illustration of an Orwellian police state in action.
Please find enclosed a cheque for the extortionately unreasonable amount of £50 (levied from £100), and a bonus helping of Horlicks for your conscience-easing consumption.
Impoverished charity worker, Leeds.
PS – You can have your bloody leaflet back too. And yes, I’ll have a receipt.
PudSoc is an elite group who meet weekly in Leeds to share their culinary skills and critique the work of fellow members. Cooking duties are divided up in accordance with a strict rota and the founding constitution. Click here for a showcase of our recent accomplishments.
Yesterday, I received the following email from a Ms Morton at ITV London…
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I discovered your website from the Pudding Society page. I am currently researching a new cookery programme for ITV called ‘Britain’s Best Dish’ and we are looking for amateur chefs to take part. I would be very interested in hearing from you and members of the pudding society as potential amateur chefs who would be interested in getting involved with the programme. I have attached a flyer with some information about the show and a contributor profile which you can forward to friends or fill out and send back to me if you are interested yourself!
It’s a national cookery competition with big cash prizes for the winners and it’s going to be a big and exciting production. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any queries and I look forward to hearing from you.
In March 2007, I joined friends to see a live recording of ‘Through the Keyhole’ at Yorkshire Studios, hosted by none other than the legendary Sir David Frost.
Like a crusty, flea-ridden, manky old dog who’d rather die quietly in the back yard than be forced to play fetch again, ‘Through the Keyhole’ is a worn-out, repeatedly resurrected format which regularly bounces between daytime ITV and the BBC. This time, the Beeb have secured rights, but – like Channel 4’s Countdown – it is recorded at ITV Leeds.
As we entered the studio, it was clear that my friends and I had immediately bought the average age of the audience down to approximately 75 years old. Hoards of pensioners had been shipped in from their respective retirement homes courtesy of the Beeb.
The set seemed really small and tacky but looked oddly better when lit up and shown on the monitors. The show involves a co-host wandering around a famous person’s home and the studio panel having to guess who they reckon lives there. As audience members, we had to clap when the z-list panel were getting warm, and scream and holler when the z-list celebrity guest was revealed. Since the z-listers were so z-list, we had to be prompted by one of the crew, as usually we hadn’t a clue who the celebs actually were. Some of the less forgettable guests included Nancy Cartwright (the voice of Bart Simpson), designer Karen Mirren and golf champ Colin Montgomerie (who lives on a boat).
Pun master Sheriff John Bunnnell is the reason I’m alive today. The wisdom, the knowledge, the teeth! With his foxy silver hair, awesome wit, finely-tuned melodramatics and his blatant overuse of jail/prison puns and aliteration – Sheriff Bunnell is nothing short of a comedy legend.
Presenter of uber-cheap-and-tacky ‘World’s Wildest Police Videos’ – Bunnell has taken on a cult status amongst students comparable only to David Dickenson and the late Richard Whitely.
Most continuity scenes consist of John parading through an active crime scene, throwing paramedics, fellow cops and corpses out of the way to give us invaluable insights into crime-fighting. Gratuitously littering his subsequent sensationalist voice-over with wisecracks and one-liners, the pseudo-cop sums up with a clichéd summary at the end of each clip, concluding with a standard quip at the end.
My dream, one day, is to have John do a running DVD-style commentary on my life – I just hope to God he speaks like that in real life. In the meantime, check out this collection of memorable quotes…
* For the criminals, cash is for taking, cars are for chasing and law is for breaking